I demand a recount!

God damn it, I've been gypped. It seems in my long absence that the College of Cardinals has chosen to overlook my application for pontiff in favor of some aging Bavarian Inquisitor. Now I'm not saying that just because the guys got his ears on the back of his neck and that he's old enough that the Conclave should just consider this an intermission, not an ending, that he's not qualified, but com'on! those dress wearin' bastards never gave me a chance.

Oh, the Catholics they talk a good game, "we want ecumenism", "we're moving towards greater ecumenism", "we'd like a double helping of ecumenism". FEH! As soon as a non-catholic throws his hat in the ring for the big job and they ignore him outright. That's right, not a note, not a phone call, not even a fuckin' form letter back from those liturgical asshats. Ecumenism my ass, if they really wanted the faiths to mix they'd put me in charge. Then you'd see some divine crossbreedin'

Picture it, we keep the whole Vatican 2 thing maybe upgrade to Vatican 2.5 or 2.6 what ever it takes and we put some changes in there. First, the clothes, talk about non-committal, sure the Pope's got a fly set of threads, but the local priests? They look like they they robed the backlot of "Father Dowling " and who wants to get their spiritual guidance from Tom Bosley? No we need to spice things up some. I suggest we either get some of the Orthodox bling in the pulpit or go with a good ole Southern Gospel purple and gold splendorette robe, something that says, "I've seen the almighty and he gave me these here threads".

Then we fix the music. Just so we're clear on things, as impressive as pipe organs were in their day, the advent of electricity and the consequent stadium concern playing super group makes them a bit less awe inspiring as they once were. We need some real music in there now. Pitch the organ get in a good ol' Southern Gospel choir and jammin' lil band. Ditch the old hymns and get in some contemporary music that makes the masses gyrate their nawti bits for the Lord. I'm thinking a sermon on Job would be well served with a lead in of Beck's "I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me".

Speaking of preaching; I'm afraid we need some help there to. Too many times have I sat in a service, in an attempt to stay conscious, counting bobbing heads in the pews as the monotonous drone of the well meaning priest slowly battered the eyelids of the laity into submission, finally succoming to the welcoming embrace of holy slumber. No, we need some fire in the pulpit. I wanna see the priest sweat. I wanna see fingers wag and bibles waved about as if volleying the very words of God into court. Then we'd have us a Jesus meetin'

Next, we get them priests some tail. Not the sort that some of them have been gettin, but some fine uppity woman tail. The only condition is that they've got to be a different faith. You want to see the ecumenism hit the fan, just pair up those lonely priests with a Southern Baptist, or Pentecostal wife, then' you'll be seeing some damn respect for other faiths or he'll get his ass whupped when he gets home.

Now I don't know why my application was overlooked. All of my ideas where clearly outlined within the emailed document. I even went so far as to include a babble fish translation in Latin to show my scholarly side, still nothing. I can only assume that this was a simple over sight, one that will shortly be rectified when the conclave fires burn again. Then you will see a real coming together of the church, and Pope Sal the magnificent will be installed.

Pax O Pax O Pax O

Papa Sal out.