"They eat dogs, you know."

Really?

I overheard this one day as I was sitting down to eat my meaty burger... I think it came from a cow. Don't know what kind of cow. Not really sure I want to know what kind of cow...

"Self," I said to myself, as I plunged my ridged and pointy omnivorous dental array into an explosively tasty combination of hydrogenated vegetable oil, inorganic salts, and super-refined (65% polymerized!) potato starches, “what does dog taste like?”

“Well,” I said back, “I don’t know, but I bet it tastes better than cat. Hey, you going to finish that carbolic-acid syrup, or can I have it?”

“I’m still hungry: deal with it. You can eat when I’m done.” But then I got to thinking… dogs and cats? Two great tastes that go great together?

What does a cow eat? Well, it’s not grass anymore, but mostly grain. Corn-fed beef… mmmmmm, that sounds good. Point in cow’s favor.

Cows 1, Domestic Pets zero.

But then again, I’ve also seen stockyards, and they’re some of the nastiest places on earth. Cows in a stockyard practically don’t have a place to take a crap, except on themselves. E coli… hrm. Not so tasty. Think I’ll have that burger well done.

Cows 0.5, Domestic Pets 0.

What does a cat eat? Kibbles? Okay, we know what cat kibbles are: with the possible exception of ferret kibbles aside, pound for pound it’s about the most nutritious dry food on earth. Tastes like… well, bad. But, still, good stuff. What else do cats eat? Grass… hrm. I can deal with that, if they’d stop throwing up after eating it. I’ve seen what some other people call salads, and honestly, I want to throw up, too. What else… birds, check. Lizards, check. Bugs, check. I eat bugs. Hell, I pay top dollar for bugs flown to me in special crates made just for the purpose.

And they wash. A lot. One thing you can say about cats, they’re nasty little buggers, but at least they’re clean… One point for cat edibility. Well, except for those really fat Persians that are too tubby to wash, and get their long hind-fur covered in poop. That memory alone spoils my appetite.

Cows 0.5, Domestic Pets 0.5.

But then again, there are dogs.

And what do dogs eat? Kibbles. I can get behind that… seriously, there are times when I wish they made beef and pork-flavored M&Ms.

Cows 0.5, Domestic Pets 1.5

Then again, give a dog a chance, and he’ll get right in the cat’s litterbox and eat cat poop.

Cows 0.5, Cohabitating Domestic Pets –5000.

So that’s the deal:

Traditional Food Animals: yummy, but make sure you wash ‘em.
Domestic Pets: Probably just as yummy (soak ‘em in milk, maybe), but for God’s sake keep ‘em outside and away from the litterbox.

“Okay, fine, self. But I still want some of those texturized soy proteins, and a little of that FD&C Red #4…..”

“I got a better idea: let's ditch this place and go for Lassie.”