A Resume

I have been putting my resume together for a new job I saw advertised on the internet.

Actually my sister-in-law pointed it out to me. I was happy to see it.

The qualifications are way beyond what I have actually done, but that is not the purpose of a resume. The purpose of a resume is to eradicate the past through rose-colored glasses.

So I set myself to writing a resume.

Address:
Phelonius Blatherskite
Go down Whatford street to the big tree
sneak into the backyard area
throw a rock at the barrel say the password, (but not loud, my father-in-law still does not know we are here)

Phone:
what?

Position desired:
Owner. Ruler of Whatford Street, Loan Shark and Supreme Court Justice

The reasons I want the job are:
money, cash, jack, stash and bills.

My qualifications:
well, I am me, dammit. Who would not want to work with me?

Brief Summary of Experience:
I done got learned grammer, math and avoiding confrontation. I am a nuclear physicist, a brain surgeon, never lose at Yatzee, can use a remote, smelt gold, run a 1 minute mile, bench press 500 lbs., cast out demons, am an astronaut, can eat a bag of chips in under two minutes, and I invented fire. Oh, and I do not care what that jackass says, I MADE the internet.

Education:
Dungeons and Dragons level 15 Thief.
Graduated Summa Cum Not from Whipperville HS.
Bachelors Degree in "Third Gear" from Whipperville Vo-Tech Trucking School

Past Employment:
"Boy Wonder" for "The Bat-Man" 1963 - 1977
Weiney Stuffer at "Hot Dogs R US" 1978 - 1985
Septic Tank Sucker at "Suck Yer Crap" 1986 - 1995
Urinal Cake Tester for "Fruity Flavores, Inc." 1995 - 2000
Have no damn idea 2001 - presently stoned

Comments: These qualifications make me emminently employable, not only because I can hold my breath for 20 seconds, but mostly because I am able to concentrate on a single project until my head explodes. That is at least 10 minutes. My therapist tells me that the whole experience of "getting my sloth-like corpse off the couch" will be "a learning experience" that will rival "graduating from third grade." What the hell does he know?

So now we shall see, no?