Allhallowedsuperhappy-thanksmasshanukkahbowl

Ah, don't you just LOVE the seasons? I know that I do, and you can always tell when the holidays are just around the corner. The way I can tell is that it is usually around the middle of September.

What holiday starts then? Why, the buying season of course! That is about the time that you can walk into anything from a "super-center" of some type or something as small as a drug store and see the Halloween candy next to the Thanksgiving decorations next to the Christmas stuff next to the Kwanza next to the Hanukkah and so forth. Don't forget that it is also the football season and everyone is gearing up for the playoffs and the Super Bowl. It seems incongruous to me to see the little snow men and turkeys out when it is still 100 degrees outside, but we are desensitized to seasons now to the point that we think nothing of hearing "Carol of the Bells" when we are shopping for a Thanksgiving dinner.

I think it is high time for an end to the hypocrisy. About ten years ago I started giving some of my friends at work an "Allhallowedsuperhappythanksmasshanukkahbowl" card. It makes sense to me. Allhallowedsuperhappythanksmasshanukkabowl starts in the middle of September and runs until the Super Bowl. The object is to buy presents, alcohol and food in prodigious amounts and run up your charge cards until they spontaneously explode.

Since everything is being sold at once, why not go all the way and just combine them all? In September, you can put up the Allhallowedsuperhappythanksmasshanukkahbowl lights around your house and put up the tree. (Nobody takes down their lights, after all, so this is a great excuse to just leave them up anyway and not worry about it.) I have had friends of mine argue that the holiday should include everything from Easter to the 4th of July as well, and if the truth be told I am not opposed to that. It just means that the name gets longer. I personally think that I may have to amend it to include St. Patrick's Day just because of the amount of beer that is hawked as a result.

Now, as to the tree....

You can decorate it with little skeletons, turkeys, empty beer cans, pilgrims and Indians, Santa Clause, angels, pretty baubles and put carved pumpkins around it. Do not forget to place a few pom poms and memorabilia from your favorite football team(s). As to the top of the tree I am waffling between my favorite Nosferatu figurine and a Dallas Cowboy helmet.

On the front lawn, just put up the faux cemetery and spider webs and a nativity scene next to a full size figure of Michael Irvin (or insert your favorite NFL player) running from the law. There is little limit to the creative impulse here, and you can play songs from any of the old holidays just about anytime. One of my favorites is to watch "The Exorcist" with the sound turned off and a "Mannheim Steamroller" Christmas CD playing in the background.

If you have children, you know that they are already confused as hell about this season, so do not bother trying to explain it to them. Just tell them our national credo:

You can tell how good a person you are by the number of things that you buy.

After all, that is the real message here.