Gift Buying Physics

It is well known that gift buying can be a bit of a trial. We have all received gifts that cause us to, well, you know, pretend that you are so happy to have received the latest exercise gizmo or
"Make-Your-Own Origami Kit." Some gifts are even specific to pissing off each sex or taste. Just give your wife a "Thigh Terminator 2006" and see what happens to the Christmas temperature. She is now convinced that you think that her thighs resemble loaves of bread and now she is hyper-aware of this. Likewise, every man at some point has gone to buy a slinky little negligee item at "Anorexia's Secret" and then discovers that his wife's secret fears of having large thighs are not so secret anymore. She is now hyper-aware of her thighs and the Christmas temperature has plummeted to antartic-like numbers. You are more likely to see the Face of God than you are to see her put that string on.

We all remember, as kids, getting the delightful gift of socks. Whoa, socks. How cool is it to get socks? That, or Aunt Josephine sends you a sweater and a pair of slacks that are guaranteed (or your money back) to get the crap beat out of you at school. Kids are easier than adults, though. Electronics have made sure of that. You just have to remember that the "Y-Cube 3800+ with the Forehead Implants" you bought last year is now totally inadequate and you have to pony-up for another king's ransom. Otherwise, they cannot play the 18+ rated "Charlie Manson Kills and Kills Again" game that they think you will buy them later after you have a brain aneurysm and your cash just spills out of your pocket at the store. That, or you just HAVE to get an item that guarantees a visit to the emergency room. Things that roll or can potentially kill are hot items for any kid.

As for men, well, neckties are the cliche but there are other gifts that delight us as well. The $1.95 clearance sale on "Bull-Rump" cologne has inspired more than one kid to make Dad happy, and then Dad is forced to smear "Bull-Rump" on his face at least once that week to show appreciation. Even the dogs won't get close and the cat tries to shovel litter-box sand on you. We, all of us, have that secret cache of ancient colognes and ties that will never again visit the light of day. Just like our wives, who have that drawer where unwearable garments rot alongside the "Stomach Cruncher."

So what are the gifts that work? Well, I have had a few and given a few, and the hell of it is that you only have a year in-between to come up with these brilliant relationship-building ideas. I really love those commercials where the wife surprises her husband with a new Lexus or he surprises her with a rock the size of a football. I guess that economic class exists somewhere, but I sure as hell do not know any of them.

"Look Honey! A NEW CAR! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!"
"My love that is really great! ......Er....why is all of our furniture on the sidewalk?"
"We are going to live in it!"

I went to look at diamond rings the other day. I saw what I thought was a nice little gold band in the right price range, but the jeweler said there was a diamond on there. Just to prove his point, he strapped his electron microscope on my forehead and, sure enough, there WAS a few molecules of diamond on it. It wasn't like the commercial, though. I think you have to actually be able to see the diamond to enjoy it.

So, as you may have guessed, I am stuck this year. I really do not know what to do about Christmas for my lovely better half this time around. I am not a cheap type, either. My downfall this year is I did really well for the birthday. Now, if it is just a matter of money, I will have to sell my children to make a coup. But, as you all know, that is not really the point either. I have tried the tried and true method of actually asking, and I got the tried and true response of "Oh, I don't really want anything much at all." Boy, THAT is helpful. I hate being in the situation where you are running around on the 23rd and you start thinking about silly gifts, like, say, from "Anorexia's Secret." Wait, I did see a "Grow-Your-Own Banzai Tree kit"........