New Years Resolutions

I’ve never been one to make New Years resolutions. I guess I always thought they were for the weak willed. Those that couldn’t make an actual decision or life change simply because it needed to be made and stick with it, could rely on a special day to help make that commitment stick. Well, now that I’m nearing 40 my attitude has been changing on the matter. I used to give a passing “feh!” to new years resolutions, but no longer. With the coming of middle age I’ve decided to embrace the idea this year and came up with a short manageable lists of resolutions that I will follow as we tumble into the future (or oblivion) that is 2006.

I resolve to get in touch with my feelings. As a man I have been raised to keep my feelings to myself to internalize my thoughts, ignore them but as I near middle age my own health, both emotional and physical have to be kept in mind. I will no longer be the emotional zombie that Western civilization has created me to be. With that, I resolve to no longer suffer the fools that cut me off, tailgate and otherwise drive in a way I find annoying while on the road. I will scream, rant and wave various body parts frantically as a show of my emotional condition. I will release inner frustrations by hurling epithets such as “moron”, “cocksucker” and “assclown” with abandon. I resolve to cast aside my concerns of looking like an emasculated monkey on Ritalin as I “voice my discontent”.

Furthermore, I resolve to no longer care about the shallow façade of beauty. The internal struggles of the modern American male will no longer concern me. I will not be shackled by the need to be “in fashion” or “hip” or even “clean”. No I will embrace the coming age; the age of ear hair, copious wind and bodily odor. I will be content in myself. I resolve to love the man I am, not the one I was.

And finally, I resolve to celebrate my accomplishments. Over the years I have had many accomplishments from sports, to the arts, to my career. With the passing of time I realize that my time is ill spent attempting to surpass the accomplishments of my youth. I resolve to bask in my former glory and be wholly content in my current mediocrity. I will build shrines to my former accomplishments, bore person after person with tales of my great deeds. I will assault the cable man with stories of my prowess on the football field as well as my bed. My children will be indoctrinated into the holy church of Dad, and be made evangelists of my great deeds. In so doing I will be content in the “now”, able to enjoy all that life has to offer me (like recliners, Ritz crackers and easy cheese) while still feeling good about myself.

Yes, this year I resolve to do these things, both to better myself, and the world around me. You can thank me later.