Texas Winter Warning

The big news in north Texas today is that we are actually under a "winter storm warning!" Now, for those of you living in, or are from, a northern state, you have to realize something. Down here, the next best thing to sliced bread is a good, healthy panic over a winter storm.


You are going to DIE, DIE, DIE !!!!

It does not mean that there will actually BE much in the way of ice heading our way, it is all in the entertainment value of running to the local 7-Eleven and buying them out of all of their beef jerky, toilet paper, beer and Ding-Dongs "just in case" we have more than 1/8th inch of ice on the road sometime in the next few days. If one were to take the level of excitement over the possibility of a winter disaster that is portrayed by the evening news seriously, you would think that nature is about to totally wipe out humanity in a nuclear winter-style holocaust. This kind of news is SO much better than the recent humdrum of casualties in Iraq and the ceaseless harping on a hunting accident in south Texas that you can practically see the news weather folks wetting their pants in anticipation.

We do, in fairness, have a serious ice storm about every decade or so. Ice is not the same as snow. You can build a snowman in snow. You can make handy little things called 'snowballs' and whack your sibling if you have snow. You can walk in snow, and usually it is not bad to drive in snow as long as you remember that snow is not conducive to a fast application of the brakes. I have raised my children in the same house all their lives, and I remember them building their first snowmen at the young ages of 12 and 16. I took pictures. In Dallas, as a rule, we do not ever have snow. We get, if we get anything, ice.

Ice is not nearly as much fun. If you are driving, you generally cannot see it even during the day. Whipping a chunk of ice at your sibling is tantamount to felony assault with a deadly weapon. If you do go outside in a real ice storm, you are likely to break your ass-bone if you manage not to make a triple-gainer on your skull. Ice is cold, thin, and wet, and there is never enough to do anything more than slide around. In Dallas, generally, if there is ice then everything shuts down. Even if the ice is most likely gone by 9am the next day, ALL of the schools shut down. Businesses close, the government closes down, people start boarding up their windows, dogs start sleeping with cats, and chaos and pandemonium rule the day. And nobody, but nobody, is happier than the weatherman:

NEWS ANCHOR: "And now, the weather. Bob?"

WEATHERMAN: (drooling, with a crazed look) "Thanks Tim. As you can see from the Weather Disaster Map, there is the possibility that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN ICE STORM!! Thank God my life has meaning.....er....I mean....The temperatures are GOING TO APPROACH FREEZING and there is going to be something we weather guys call pre-sip-i-ta-shun. That means that there is going to be ICE ON THE GROUND!! There may even be enough of it on the ground to actually be VISIBLE!"

NEWS ANCHOR: (getting into the act) "Bob! You can't mean it! This ...er.... pre-siper-a-ta-shoning could mean the end of life as we know it?"

WEATHERMAN: (splitting open a goat and staring at the entrails) "Why, ...er...yes Tim. For the love of GOD, and all that is HOLY, I am declaring a WINTER STORM WARNING! Remember, folks, when things get bad, and you do not think you are going to make it, just remember to eat the old first, then the sick, then the children, and lastly draw straws. Salvation only goes to the strongest!" (breaks down weeping)

Well, I better end this and go down to the 7-Eleven and see if there is any beer, jerky, toilet paper and Ding-Dongs left as this could last at least 48 hours.

Sheesh.